Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
