So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
