There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
