lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can't put those talents on a resume
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
