U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
