I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
