After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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