I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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