matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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