The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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