wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
