I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
