I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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