We're facebook friends in real life
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
