Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
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