im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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