Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
