he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
