the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize