FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
