Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
