i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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