he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
