She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
