I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
