Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
