he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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