I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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