This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
