What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Let's paint friendship bongs
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
