Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
