I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize