Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
