hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
