Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I woke up under a house in Key West
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