Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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