Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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