did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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