Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Randomize
