Don't EVER smell your tampon
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
