um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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