I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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