Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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