youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
