she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize