he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
