Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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