Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
