I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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