Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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