Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize