Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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