how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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