Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
