you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
