if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
