Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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