Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They took my balls.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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