i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
