I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
