I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
