I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
