sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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