Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
