there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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