Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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