Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
