I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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